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Michael Scott: [After sipping wine] That is sort of an oaky afterbirth.
Jim Halpert: What was that?
[Jim set a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Pam Beesley: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might... [Pauses]
Pam Beesley: Its just, I don't think it's many girls' dream to be a receptionist.
Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
Michael Scott: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam Beesley: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.
Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then.
Dwight Schrute: Studies show that more information is passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because [Picks up water bottle]
Dwight Schrute: I bring my own water to work.
Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Michael Scott: You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.
Ryan Howard: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.
Jim Halpert: I want to clamp Michael's *face* in a George Foreman grill.
Michael Scott: Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam. And me.
Michael Scott: [Screaming into the office] I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!
Michael Scott: You may look around, and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
Michael Scott: I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they saw me coming, and they'd applaud as I walked away.
Pam Beesley: Jim cannot speak until he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of Jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.
Jim Halpert: [Talking head] I am not kidding. [Pulls out an engagement ring]
Jim Halpert: Bought it a week after we started dating.
Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't.
Dwight Schrute: Otherwise it's just malfeasance for malfeasance's sake.
Michael Scott: That is a perfectly good mini Christmas tree. We are going to sell that to charity because that is what Christmas is all about.
Kevin: I want the footbath.
Kevin: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. Maybe I should've taken the iPod. Oh, shoot!
Ryan Howard: [Sees Todd's License plate is WLHUNG] You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
Jim Halpert: God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.
Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.
Jim Halpert: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
Michael Scott: I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish, sort of a virtual United Nations.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none: you're picking a healthcare plan.
Michael Scott: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.
Oscar: I can play, if you need any help.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box.
Jim Halpert: Dwight thinks it's Friday so that's what I'm going to be doing this afternoon.
Jim Halpert: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [Takes a deep breath, shakes head]
Jim Halpert: He is very real. [Sighs]
Michael Scott: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame!
Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
